EP16 – Do you need personal experience to be a coach plus relationships with guest Dr. Radisha Brown

Hello, hello. So today I’m going to be talking about whether you need experience to be a coach. And then a little bit later, I’ll be talking to Dr. Radisha Brown about relationships. It was a fun and lively discussion. Listen in.

But first, do you need experience to be a coach? How important do you think it is that you have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt before you coach others about the same subject? I think it’s super important. You bring so much more to the table when you have experienced the pain, stress, anxiety, and fear that your clients have. Even better when you have overcome the pain, stress, anxiety, and fear, and you can tell them how you did it. You give them hope.

Do you need personal experience to be a coach?

Coaching doesn’t require direct experience. A coach is someone who helps another person to identify and achieve goals. They don’t necessarily have to have been through the exact issue you have been, but they do need to know the process and that it works for your situation.

A mentor is someone who teaches from experience. They’ve had the issue that you have and they have worked their way through it. [00:02:00] They can use that experience to help you grow. I personally want both. When I’m looking for a coach, I want someone who I think can identify with me and if they have been through it themselves, I think it makes them more empathetic.

I also want someone who has the skills I need to show me how to find the way forward. I think nowadays when there is a plethora of people out there all calling themselves a coach, it pays to do some due diligence. And these are the two factors that I look for. What about you? Do you agree?

Next I’m going to be talking to Dr. Radisha Brown, who’s a certified breakup and divorce recovery therapist. She’s the author of the book “Girl, Get Off The Couch”. She was absolutely fabulous to talk to and we talked about all sorts of things around relationships, whether that’s partners, marriage, or whether it’s with your children or your parents, Radisha is based in Augusto in the U S.[00:03:00]

Hello, hello. Hello. So today I’m talking to Dr. Radisha Brown and she is a therapist and a breakup coach, and we are going to talk relationships and we’ve just been talking about the fact that everybody’s going to be interested in this. Every woman I know is interested in relationships, so this is going to be a fun conversation.

So hello, welcome to the show.

Dr. Radisha Brown: Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here and be on your podcast. And I am, I am so excited to be talking about relationships because as we were talking before we, before we jumped on the podcast and said, no matter what age you are, we are women, our relationship. We, we thrive on relationships.

No matter if it’s a romantic relationship, if it’s friendships and it was families. If this church memberships, we are relationship people, and it’s important to understand what healthy relationships looks [00:04:00] like, what are, what unhealthy relationships look like, and when it’s time to end a relationship, whether than that’s a friendship or a marriage, a companionship, whatever that is. So yes. Let’s talk about it, girl. Yeah.

Annette Clubley: Brilliant. Yes. Yes. And I think what I’d like you say, whatever age you are, you have a relationship with someone, whether that is a parent. or whether that’s a child or whether that’s a sibling or whether then eventually when you’re that a little bit older, whether that’s a partner or, you know, a husband or wife or whatever, you’ve always got relationships going on.

And I think we have a tendency to hang onto relationships that are not very good for us because we don’t want to be out of a relationship. It really bothers us to be out of a relationship and we see it, you know, we see it as a failure And so…

Dr. Radisha Brown: Yeah..

Do you have to go through a breakup to be a breakup coach?

Annette Clubley: So tell me something, how do you get to be a breakup coach? Do you have to go through a breakup to be a breakup coach?

Dr. Radisha Brown: Well yeah, that’s part of the resume.

Yes. You got to go through a really tough [00:05:00] breakup and come on and come out on the other side of it. Right. So I was married to who I thought was my soulmate, my, the love of my life, my high school sweetheart. And he was just everything to me. Right. And I was settled into being a wife and a, and a partner and all that good stuff.

Unfortunately he was settled into being a serial cheater. And so for, for a long time, I stayed in the marriage. We tried everything in my mind, I tried everything to make it work, but ultimately I had to make a choice for myself. I had to choose my own mental, physical, and emotional health because that relationship was sucking me dry and I spent many nights on my couch, crying myself to sleep. I wrote about my journey in my best-selling book, “Girl, Get Off The Couch” because that was me .On the outside everybody was like, “she looks fine. They got this great relationship. They are a great couple.” But I was [00:06:00] dealing with so much and I felt so ashamed that I couldn’t, that I felt like it was my responsibility as the woman to fix the relationship.

Holding on to relationships that are not working

Like we all we often do and we hold on to relationships so much longer than we should. Right. Because we’re scared of failure. We’re we? We self-blame. We take responsibilities for things that are not our responsibility. And so it took me a while before I got out of the relationship. And so that journey from being broken to now living in a thriving life was was difficult, was challenging, but it also gave birth to this new passion that I have. It gave birth to a book. It gave birth to me, creating new relationships and it’s been great. It’s been a great journey. So part of my work as a breakup coach, certainly I, you know, if relationships can work, I’m all for it.

Right. I often tell [00:07:00] my clients, you will know when you’re ready to walk away. It doesn’t matter what your momma . , your best friend says your family, whoever. You will know when it’s time to walk away, when you felt like I’ve done all I can and this relationship is no longer serving me. And so when you’re ready to take that that journey, I help you work through that process because it is scary.

It is a very scary process to start new. And especially if you’ve been in a long-term relationship. And so that’s how you get to become a breakup coach. I am a trained psychotherapist by profession and I just specialize in helping women, helping women prevent breakups and then women and men prevent breakups. Unnecessary breakups is what I call when, when we can work through some stuff and, and have a thriving relationships. And then for those relationships that are no longer meeting your needs, no longer meet your partner’s needs, helping individuals to consciously break up, which is really [00:08:00] important.

Annette Clubley: Okay. Very interesting. Very. Well. I’ve been there done that. I was just listening to you saying, well, I got the.. When I came out of the relationship, I knew I had done everything that I possibly could to make it work and it still hadn’t worked. And I was just thinking, listening to you talking, I was thinking, you know, that is the sign, isn’t it? We think we, as women have to make it work.

Dr. Radisha Brown: Right.

Annette Clubley: But we can’t, we’re only one half of the equation.

Why women are conditioned to feel responsible

Dr. Radisha Brown: Right, right. And so for word. This thing that we’re taught as little girls that you take care of everybody, right? So your, your, your parents, you know, instilled in you, you take care of your little brother, you take care of your other sisters, you take care of your community.

And so through that conditioning, what we learn as women is we’re responsible for everybody. And we take that. Awareness into relationships, friendships, where we feel like we’re responsible for a [00:09:00] friend that’s never called us, not been there for us, that’s always asking for things and never there when we need them, but we hang on to them because we feel the sense of responsibility because that’s what we’ve been taught.

So, part of the healing journey is what I call it is this reconditioning and retraining and relearning the things that we think we know. And so part of that is being selective in your relationships, in all your relationships.

Annette Clubley: Okay. Okay. And so did you take to your couch? Is that why the book is called “Girl, Get Off Your Couch”?

Dr. Radisha Brown: Yes. The book is called “Girl, Get Off The Couch”. And the reason it’s called that is because every day after work, after I’ve helped everybody and been there for everybody, I would go home and I would just cry. I would just cry. And I would just ask God, you know, I’m a person of faith. I would say God, like, why is my life such a wreck?

And I feel like everybody else’s relationships are successful. Why won’t [00:10:00] he just loved me, like the way I love him. And so every night I would go home and cry those tears in secret and, and, and carry that shame. And one day in my, in my prayer and meditation and, and talking to talking to God, I said, I just can’t do this no more.

I literally, can not live another day with this life. And. And I need somebody to fix it. Right. Cause we often look for the hero to come in, whip us off our feet and make everything better. And we’re just like, yay. Right. And I’m like, God, you need to show up and fix things you just need to come in and fix it right now.

Girl, Get Off The Couch

And then in his, in all his wisdom and in my relationship with him, right. And so I heard a voice, his voice to say, you got to get off the couch. Right. And so it’s not just about physically getting off the couch. But getting off the couch means that I need to take action. Right? It’s a double meaning. It is, yeah, [00:11:00] getting off the physical couch, but whatever’s keeping you stuck realizing that there’s no one that’s going to come and save you. There’s no one, you know, going to come and take the chicken out of your mouth that, you know, you’re not supposed to be eating all that cake or that ice cream to help you live a healthy lifestyle.

You have got to take action. You are the hero in your own story. And that’s what the book is about is realizing that yeah, this awful thing happened and I feel really crappy about it. And for me, I use food to cope because we are driven by finding comfort in uncomfortable situations. So for me, it was food and I would eat everything that I wasn’t supposed to and gained a bunch of weight. So there i was in a, in a toxic relationship. And then I was coping with it by eating, which, which caused me to gain weight. And then I really didn’t like myself. Right then I was like blaming myself for the [00:12:00] reason why he’s doing it because I gained this weight and I’m not the same person.

And I’m just an awful person. When the reality is, he made the choices cause he wanted to make the choices, didn’t have anything to do with me. And so that’s part of that healing journey that I went through. And and I talk about it in the book and, and hopefully to inspire other women in their stories.

And so often as I’m torn or doing, you know, interviews, I hear other women say “that’s me. They say, that’s me too. Oh my God. I thought I was the only one that felt this way. I thought I was the only one dealing with that”. And so that’s what my inspiration is to help people understand you’re not alone. Because we often feel like we’re the only one going through this horrible situation.

Annette Clubley: Yeah. Yeah. And you’re not in any way, shape or form, because as you say, every time you tell the story, I mean, I’m just listening to you and going yep. I did the eating thing as well. You know, I did all of that before. I finally [00:13:00] decided, you know, this isn’t working for me. And I’ve done what I could do, and it’s never going to work for me because he doesn’t actually want to be here. So..

Dr. Radisha Brown: Right.

Annette Clubley: And then you re then you’re ready to move on, but you have to get through that. You have to go through that loop yourself, don’t you?

Dr. Radisha Brown: Right.

Annette Clubley: Don’t you? And there is all of this cultural pressure on you. You know, I was talking to my daughter the other day about I’m working for a client at the moment and they go into schools and educate boys in school, boys and girls in schools, let’s be fair.

They educate boys and girls in schools about the rape culture that exists in UK schools, which nobody wants to talk about, but it’s there, it exists and it, and it, it, it basically teaches these girls that it’s okay to be treated like this. And it teaches these boys that it’s okay to behave like this, and it’s not okay. You know?

Dr. Radisha Brown: Oh my gosh. Yeah.

Annette Clubley: So I think. You know, there are, there are all of these cultural norms that are piled on us from the time that we’re small, [00:14:00] that the, you know, the Knight on the white charger is going to come along and there is the one, you know, the one you will meet the one and he’s going to be perfect. And you never have any problems in your relationship. And he’s going to love you forever. You know, all of the stuff that just isn’t true at all. And so you build up this expectation. And then you pile it all onto yourself. When you go, when this isn’t working, why isn’t it working? It must be me. It’s gotta be my fault because no, you know, this shouldn’t be happening to me ..

Dr. Radisha Brown: Right

Annette Clubley: All this stuff. Every time you tell these stories, someone in the room will be nodding at you.

Dr. Radisha Brown: Right.

Annette Clubley: You know, someone in the room will be nodding at you because we’re all the same. All of us.

We are all the same

Dr. Radisha Brown: Right. And that’s the realization. That is the realization here I am in the United States. You’re in the UK and we have very similar stories.

You’re like, yeah, girl, I did that. And I’m like, yeah, I did that too. And that’s, that’s the journey that we’re all on. [00:15:00] And part of this healing that we so need in our lives requires us to reach out and reach out across the pond. Right. And to understand that women, no matter where they are United States, UK, Africa, wherever you are, we are all struggling with the same stuff, with the same stuff.

And so. And that, and to understand that there’s healing available. You don’t have to continue and live in a life of pain. We get to choose. Oftentimes we’re taught that we don’t get a choice and that is a lie that they feed us. We get to choose. We get to choose who’s a part of our lives. We get to choose what relationships we’re in. We get to choose if we are okay with having sex with you. And if I’m not okay, no is perfectly fine. You’re not entitled to any part of my life. Part of [00:16:00] this free will is that I have to give free will .I have to make a choice. I get to make the choice. You don’t get to make the choice.

So walking into this newfound sense of power that we all have is realizing that we were lied to, we were lied to. Right. And so being open to this changing process that we, we go through as a part of our healing journey, which is so incredibly wonderful and great. And although it’s hard, some days I tell you, my life is so different than what it was before.

Sometimes, you know, I’m thinking I’m like, I don’t even recognize that girl that was too afraid to leave a situation that was hard, that accepted bad behavior and made excuses for it. Today. I’m like, there is no way, no how, not happening. Right.

Annette Clubley: Brilliant.

Dr. Radisha Brown: And it took a while to get there. Yes.

Annette Clubley: Yes. I think that’s an important [00:17:00] message. The important message is there is hope. It is a choice. You don’t have to stay in that quagmire, you can move out of it and things do get better once you’re out of it, you know. And you can build healthy relationships, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I think that’s really important.

So you’ve trained as a therapist. What what sort of therapy tools do you use in order to help people move out of this stage that they’re in, where they’re blaming themselves and they can’t see a way forward.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

Dr. Radisha Brown: Right. And so we, I use a cognitive behavior approach. And basically what that says is that our thoughts influence our feelings and actions, and so and to change our actions to change our behaviors, our day-to-day behavior.

So whatever the situation is, whether or not it is in a romantic relationship, that’s no longer serving us or our best friend that’s not really been a best friend. Part of the healing journey is changing the [00:18:00] way we think about. Because ultimately, however we think about it will affect how we feel about it and will ultimately affect our behaviors.

For example. And I’ll use myself when I was in a relationship or I stayed in a relationship because I thought it was my fault that it was wrong. And. Because I thought it was my fault. I felt shame. I felt sadness. I felt depression. I felt anxiety because of the thought I had, because, because my thoughts were that it was my fault.

And so. ’cause I thought it was my fault. I had these negative feelings. And so I reacted, my behavior was negative, which is to self blame, which is to find coping mechanisms like unhealthy coping mechanisms, like eating and just laying on the couch, doing nothing, not taking care of myself. And so all of it stemmed from my thoughts.

And so once I was able to change my thoughts and it takes work. [00:19:00] It takes practice. It takes a lot of courage. Once I changed my thought and said, you know, Radisha your you’re not responsible for someone else’s negative behaviors. And I am enough with, with who I am without changing one itty bitty little thing about me, without losing an inch of weight. I am enough. And so I started to.. My thoughts changed to believe that I was enough. As a result. It aggravated me that I was in a situation that where I wasn’t treated, like I wasn’t loved. It empowered me. So my feelings changed and then my behavior changed. I got out of that situation.

So it all stems from your thoughts and a lot of the thoughts that we were exposed to as children, thoughts are driven from sometimes childhood trauma, thoughts driven from previous relationships, [00:20:00] thoughts driven because of how we feel about ourselves. But the magic happens when we’re able to change the thoughts and, and, and not just change what we’re saying, but change really how we’re thinking of it.

It changes your entire life. It gives, I often describe it as to clients, is it gives you a new pair of glasses. And when you get committed to your healing journey, what happens just on its own, you start to filter out the people that are really, really a part of your support system, that are really filling your tank up.

And then you start to remove those, no longer serving you. Because you have this new pair of glasses and you’re like, “oh my God, I can’t believe I took this all this time. I can’t believe I kept giving her money every month to pay her light bill. And she’s [00:21:00] never shown up for anything for me. Oh my, like, why did I stay in here so long?” it’s like, once you put those healing glasses on your entire life changes because you change how you’re looking at it, it puts like light in dark rooms. You are like, “Oh, my God. I didn’t even know that was there.” Completely different.

Annette Clubley: Mhm. Mhm. You start seeing the truth instead of the things that you are constantly telling yourself in that downward spiral, about how bad you are and all of that sort of stuff.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. And then you can start moving forward and you can’t start moving forward until you look at that.. So you’ve talked about the fact that you have to do some work on yourself, obviously. Unfortunately, there’s, you know, you can’t just put the glasses on and be fixed. That would be nice, but it doesn’t happen that way.

Dr. Radisha Brown: Right? I wish.

Annette Clubley: How you probably, what, this is going [00:22:00] to be a, how long as a piece of string question and answer. I think it, how long typically does it take for someone to actually start turning the corner?

How long does it take to fix a relationship?

Dr. Radisha Brown: Right. So, yeah, that’s a great question. And I will say it looks different for everyone because we’re all, we’ve had different experiences and different levels of work.

I often tell my clients we’ll work as fast and as hard as you’re ready to, right? So each client gets to determine the timeframe, but I would say on average, after about 90 days of consistently working with the client, there is a change. There is a, there is a, there is. 20 to 30% change in their life. In the, in, in the thoughts they start having after about six months is about 50.

This is about a 50% like I’m, I’m not doing all the things I was doing. And so about half of my life changes. If you think about it like that, I feel about 12 [00:23:00] months we expect 80%. Okay. 80% change and how you’re feeling, what you’re thinking and to get from 80 to a hundred, which is 20%, it takes a lifelong journey because what it means is that you’re never there.

You’re never a hundred percent there, there are going to be a trigger. They’re going to be a different experience and you need to really do the work all over again. You’re never at 100%.

Annette Clubley: No.

Dr. Radisha Brown: Right. No matter who you are ,myself, you, you know, no matter where you are, who you are, you’re never at a hundred percent.

Annette Clubley: No.

Dr. Radisha Brown: So given you, setting a time, setting a framework of saying even after, even after a year, the best, the best you can expect as an 80% improvement helps you to understand that life is not perfect. And there’s always going to be those experiences that challenge you in some way and where you have to really lean into the new skills, sometimes you have to start back over. [00:24:00] You know, all of those things. And so about a year, relatively to 80%. But some people, it takes a year to get the 50%, whatever the number, whatever the journey is, your journey, you get to decide, right. We don’t work faster than what your brain is able to process.

Annette Clubley: Yeah, that makes total sense to me. Everybody is different, you know, I, I mean, I don’t, I’m not teaching emotional stuff, I’m teaching practical stuff, but I find that sometimes the woman that I work with get hung up on a particular section and they can’t move past that section and they can stay there for years, some of them until they finally g o, oh yeah, okay. I get it. And then they can move on. It’s really weird. Even though it’s a practical thing, there’s a, there’s a mindset issue or a hold up about the fact that they’re not worth it or something like that, that tends to hold them back and they have to work that through before they can move forward.

So I should imagine it’s like that, you know, for your situation too. I should imagine that, [00:25:00] as you say, sometimes it can be quite tough work and sometimes you get somebody, you know, you saying you let people do as much as they feel able to do. And I should imagine that sometimes they just reach a point where they think, okay, I’ve just got to leave it there for a little while and then..

Dr. Radisha Brown: Right.

Annette Clubley: I’ll be ready to come back to it and carry on again. Because as you say, it’s an ongoing journey, it’s basically a lifelong journey. Isn’t it?

Dr. Radisha Brown: Lifelong.

Annette Clubley: You know?

Dr. Radisha Brown: Lifelong. Yeah.

Annette Clubley: Yeah. Yeah. You’re going to keep working on own life. So how do you work with people? Do you work with people? One-on-one, I’m guessing because it’s quite personal and quite sensitive.

Dr. Radisha Brown: Right. So I work with people one-on-one and then I also do small groups. Okay. People with similar interests and similar challenges, we work as a group because there’s something magical to happen when you’re all, when, when there’s more than one person together, all working on a common goal,. You know, this [00:26:00] cameradie, this, this energy.. Especially if you felt alone for so long, having other people that that have similar challenges as you really helps to put this level of support around you and urge you in the the journey, the healing process. So we do indeed. I do individual. And then I do small groups which have been very effective.

Annette Clubley: Oh, that’s yeah, that sounds brilliant to me, because I do think as we’ve touched on the fact that you need to know that there are other people like you, that are going through the same things and it’s not just you.

And I think my small group quite often does that because someone will say something and you’ll go, yes, that’s exactly how I feel, you know, but I wasn’t brave enough to put my hand up and actually say that

Dr. Radisha Brown: Right. Exactly. Exactly.

Annette Clubley: Yeah, exactly. Okay. Okay, great. So tell me how what’s the best way for somebody who’s listening in and wants to find out more to get hold of you. [00:27:00] Where’s the best place to find

Dr. Radisha Brown: I am on the gram, Instagram or Facebook at Dr. Radisha Brown and that’s D R R A D I S H A B R O W N. You can find my best-selling book on Amazon and you just type in Girl, Get Off The Couch and it will pop right up.

And I encourage you to read it. And if you have questions or something resonates with you, just DM me on, on the gram and I’ll be more than happy to answer any questions. If you have a book club or upcoming speaking event, and you need a speaker to come and talk about breakups or relationships or healing, I would be, I would love to have a conversation about that.

Annette Clubley: Fabulous.

I love that. I think books, which is a brilliant way to, to get a, just a foothold in with someone, you know what I mean, often you read a book and then you think, you know, I want to go further with this. And then you sign up for a course. I find because, you know that, that book’s almost like a taster.

[00:28:00] It gives you that you know, you get to know the story and you get, you get something out of it. And it’s a very accessible way. Isn’t it? To reach lots of people. So, yeah. Brilliant. Brilliant. Okay. I will, as usual, I will drop the links to that into the post so that if anybody wants to come and find you, they can come and find you from the links.

And thank you so so much for coming to talk to me.

Dr. Radisha Brown: Thank you so much for inviting me. Hello UK family. I love it. Love it. It’s great having this conversation. I love it.

Annette Clubley: Yes. Yes, it is. It’s amazing meeting people, you know, all sorts of people. It’s just really, really interesting. And as you say, wherever, they are in the world, that’s the beauty of the internet. Isn’t it?

Dr. Radisha Brown: We have the internet. We will connect you no matter where you are.

Annette Clubley: Yeah. There is no escape.

Okay. Yes. Well, thank you very, very much. [00:29:00] I really appreciate it. And I will yeah, as I say, I’ll pop links into the post so that if anybody’s interested in finding out more about you about the book, well. they can go and find the book on Amazon, but more about you and what you do, or invite you in to come and talk to them, then they will be able to do that. Okay. Thanks very much.

Dr. Radisha Brown: Thank you.

Find Radisha on Instagram or Facebook or visit her website https://drradisha.com/